Having lived to the ripe old age of 60, having been a teacher for 15 years and observed extensive playground behavior, having been a trainer for over 20 years and seen thousands of people interact, and having been a mentor or coach to hundreds of people, having watched my son grow up and interact with his friends, and at the same time having experienced friendship myself in all sorts of flavors, including being a Quaker (The Society of Friends!) I think it is true to say that friendship is one of the most problematic aspects of human life. Simultaneously, it is one of life’s crowning joys. Why, then, is it so difficult?
Of course, the other thing about this observation is that most people don’t see the problem at all: they live without self-awareness, although often there is a dull ache that they feel but do not realize what is its cause. They have friends – they think they have friends, and so all is well, all is normal, but is it? What exactly is the problem I am alluding to?
Quite simply, this: many friends that we acquire during the course of our life are not really our friends at all. The trouble is, once we have defined somebody as our ‘friend’ we have an awful problem ridding our self of this belief, or of a feeling of guilt that arises if we decide to act in a way that is not consistent with ‘friendliness’ towards that person. And we need to be very clear about what is happening here: parasites – mosquitoes for example – are creatures looking for other, and different, creatures that supply them with the warm blood they need. The exchange is one way: for a light opening touch – some flattery perhaps, a useful exchange, an endorsement of some value you hold dear – they have landed in your life (on your arm in fact), and from then on proceed to suck your blood; but they are your ‘friend’.
It was Pythagoras who said that "friendship is equality" and that is the essence of it. Friendship is a 50-50 thing and you see it in a number of ways, especially in the flow of conversation – it’s 50% about the one friend, and then 50% about the other. Have you noticed those so-called friends for whom seeing you is always about them? About their problems, or about foregrounding their importance and in particular, as they begin to take liberties, their superiority to you?
The great thing about the equality principle is that it is liberating: it is marvelous being with a true friend where you don’t have to prove anything, or do anything to impress. This is so different from being at work where you have to prove yourself, or even sometimes being with your family where you are expected to know your place. Because you are ‘equal’ everything is as it should be; once inequality seeps in the relationship is no longer one of friendship – it starts becoming co-dependent and asymmetrical. What you get from it is much less than what they are deriving from the relationship.
I have said it before but must say it again: the cure for dealing with bad friendship is to pay attention to your feelings. A good friend, a real friend, a true friend is the kind of person that when you have spent any time in their company you feel energized, you feel better, your self-esteem has risen. Can you feel that – can you pay attention to it? And conversely, somebody who is not really your friend but faking it for their own purposes always when they have spent any time with you leaves you feeling drained, exhausted even; often self-esteem seriously impaired.
Thus it is that we must pay attention to our friendships and weed out the non-friends; not aggressively, not unkindly, but in the sense that we mustn’t let them into our inner lives where they will play wolf and thoroughly debilitate us from being ourselves and even from being able to help others. Before we can love other people, we need to remember, that we need to love ourselves, and this mean valuing ourselves, and not allowing ourselves to be abused by the parasites that exist and are really out there. They need help, perhaps, but true friendship is probably not it – it’s more like a kind of therapy.
Pay attention, friends, to your feelings at all times – they do not lie!
The Mapping Motivation Series 