As we all know only too well, it is very easy to offend people, especially at work. It is not so easy to put that offence right, especially if the offence is justified and we have made a mistake. There are basically four options we have.
We can not say sorry at all! This makes the situation worse. Eventually people feel aggrieved and will take revenge at a time of their choosing. Or, we can say sorry but in a distant, remote, and indifferent manner – as if this were not important to us. This simply rubs salt in the wound and leads to even greater hostility. Thirdly, we can say sorry but in an emotional, over-concerned way which suggests that we/you are vulnerable. This often leads to your being victimized at some future date as your weakness is noted and exploited.
And finally, we can say sorry in the right way! How, then, do we say sorry in the right way? There are four key rules you need to bear in mind.
First, use a strong, calm and evenly paced voice. Avoid whimpering, pleading tones; say sorry just once. And if you have time, practise before offering the apology; control your breathing if necessary, for it is in the nervous rush of the breath that we reveal our anxiety.
Second, explain only what is necessary; do not be bounced into shaming and ‘explaining yourself’. Understand, and be clear, that certain reasons may have a right to remain private. Too many people feel that they have to provide causal explanations that justify their faux pas; the sort of thing you hear when they say they had a late night, or a problem with their spouse over breakfast – this always sounds weak.
Thirdly, acknowledge the feelings of those who might have been upset or annoyed. It may sound corny, but empathise with them. Say, ‘I know how you feel’ and make it seem as if you do. Offer to put right whatever you can.
Finally, indicate what this mistake has taught you: about yourself or about the way you work. From that you can explain what you will do differently to try to prevent a recurrence. This is all very convincing – and necessary. But in all this you need to demonstrate one other key element: you need to be sincere – this is vital is the apology is to be acceptable and accepted.
Of course, we don’t want to keep on making mistakes we have to apologise for, and point four suggests that we are going to really and sincerely learn from our mistakes. To do that you might want to consider keeping a log of apologies you’ve made – and to chart the reactions and responses. In this way you really will learn from your mistakes as well as constantly being improving in terms of your performance. Make this a game you play with yourself. You’ll be amazed at your progress and how truly our mistakes can become our best teachers.
The Mapping Motivation Series 